When Desmond's Away the Assassins Will Play
by Victoria-BlackHeart
Summary: Rated for the language. There's a glitch in the Animus and Altaïr, Ezio, Connor and Malik all enter into Desmond's world, and start to cause a lot of headaches for the present day assassins.
1. Chapter 1

**The iPhone Incident**

It was a normal day for Desmond Miles, well, as normal as things could get after being abducted by Abstergo, viewing his ancestors' memories, and escaping from Abstergo, but as this went, it was pretty normal.

Desmond was by himself in the assassin's hangout, just reading a magazine when he heard a noise out in the room with the Animus 2.0. He put down his magazine, and walked into the room. He looked around, and heard the Animus making weird noses. He frowned and walked over, tapping on the screen.

There was a flash of light, blinding him for a split second, then it disappeared. Desmond blinked a few times, and saw four shapes in front of him. They were dark shapes, and were...freaking out? Wait, shapes don't freak out. Something was not right.

Desmond shut his eyes, then opened them again, "Oh crap," he said, and he saw his three ancestors, Altaïr, Ezio and Connor, plus that guy with one arm (what was his name again? oh yeah...Malik), "Um...hi."

That was a mistake.

"DESMOND!" Ezio exclaimed, walking over to him and hugging him, giving him a kiss on each cheek.

Yup, definitely a mistake.

"Where are we?" Connor asked curiously, looking around at the strange environment. Meanwhile, Malik and Altaïr were yelling at each other, in Arabic so no one knew what they were saying.

"You novice! Look what you did now!"

"I did nothing!"

"GUYS!" Desmond yelled, and everyone looked at him, "Just...stay here...I'll be back in like...ten minutes top. And don't. Touch. Anything. Understood?" the four of them nodded, and Desmond grabbed his keys, then left.

The four began wandering around, examining everything in the hangout, intrigued by everything. Connor poked the couch, "IT'S SO SOFT!" he exclaimed, and jumped on it, sinking in the cushions. Altaïr rolled his eyes.

_I DON'T WANNA WORK, I JUST WANNA BANG ON THE DRUM ALL DAY!_

The four jumped, and stopped moving, the hidden blades all emerging, "What was that?" Ezio whispered, and they moved slowly towards the source of this mysterious sound.

_I DON'T WANNA WORK, I JUST WANNA BANG ON THE DRUM ALL DAY!_

"There it is again," Malik said, and they rounded a corner, peeking in.

On the counter, there was a strangely shaped rectangular object, that was black and moving on the counter (in other words, it's an iPhone). They slowly walked over to it, Ezio and Connor pushing Altaïr forward. The master assassin leaned over, and looked down at the object.

_I DON'T WANNA WORK, I JUST WANNA BANG ON THE DRUM ALL DAY!_

They jumped back, and Altaïr poked it. Soon a voice filled the room.

"Desmond? This is Rebecca."

"What...what sorcery is this?!" Altaïr yelled, "There is something trapped inside the box!"

"Desmond? You there? Listen, I forgot to tell you this when you woke up, but DO NOT TOUCH the Animus. It's on the fritz again, and I have a feel..."

SMASH! CRASH! BANG! STOMP! STAB! STAB! STAB!

Altaïr was breathing heavy, bits of the rectangular box stuck on his hidden blade. The box was know it little pieces all over the counter, "Where is the person?" Connor asked, "Are they still trapped?" The four leaned over, examining it.

"Guys why are you in th...WHAT THE HELL?!"

The four turned around, and saw Desmond. He dropped the car keys.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY PHONE?!" he yelled, spotting the rectangular box all destroyed. He looked at Altaïr, "WHAT THE HELL ALTAÏR? I LEAVE YOU GUYS ALONE FOR LEGIT FIVE MINUTES AND YOU DESTROY MY PHONE?!" Altaïr said nothing, and began to pretend to pray, "THAT DOESN'T WORK IN THE REAL WORLD I CAN STILL SEE YOU MABLFSJVDJJGSKVHKAJFVABJHAFVKAJSFJHSAVFGHAVDKFJHDF D!"

"Uh...maybe we should, you know, leave?" Connor suggested quietly, and Ezio nodded.

"I'm with you on this one."

The two assassins (and Malik) quietly tiptoed out of the kitchen while Desmond continued to yell at Altaïr.

**Ezio Discovers** **Google...and A Printer**

"This is...a computer?" Ezio asked, looking up at Desmond, who nodded.

"You can use it to browse the internet, you know, check email and stuff like that," Ezio nodded, and found a capital G in the toolbar.

"What is that?" he asked, bringing the mouse up to it.

"Oh that's Google. You can look up pretty much anything, including pictures," Ezio was intrigued. He spotted a white box next to the computer.

"What is that?" he asked.

"That's a printer. You can print of pictures," Desmond explained and looked at his watch, "Well...I guess I should go let Altaïr out of the closet. His punishment is up."

(Desmond locked Altaïr in the closet for an hour as punishment for assassinating his iPhone. I mean, what would you do to punish an assassin?)

Ezio waited until Desmond left, and typed his own name into Google and clicked images. His eyes lit up when he saw all the pictures of himself, "Am...Am I really that beautiful?" he asked, overcome with joy. He looked over at the printer, and smiled, "Hmmm..."

_Four Hours Later..._

"We use phones to call people," Desmond said, holding the landline in his hand and showing Altaïr,Malik and Connor, "No one is trapped inside of it, don't worry. We can just hear their voices," The three each took turns holding it and examining it.

The door opened, and Rebecca, Shaun, and Lucy walked through and stopped when they saw the four people, "Oh dear..." Shaun said, face palming.

"So...that's what happens when the Animus 2.0 glitches," Rebecca said, walking over and examining the three, "Did Ezio come out too?" Desmond nodded, and Shaun walked into his office, "Where is h..."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHWHATTHEHELLL?!"

Rebecca, Lucy and Desmond ran into his office, and saw Ezio sticking pictures of himself to the ceiling. The walls, the floor, the desk, the windows (pretty much any available space) was covered in pictures of Ezio. Ezio looked down at them, "Aren't they wonderful?" he said, beaming. Desmond placed his hands on the door frame and began banging his head off the door frame.

"I don't think that's healthy," Altaïr commented, and Connor and Malik nodded.


	2. Chapter 2

**Altaïr Vs. The Shower,Part One  
**

Everyone was slowly adjusting to having Altaïr, Ezio, Connor and Malik around. It was weird for Desmond to wake up and see the four of them staring at him. He had to set some boundaries for them (especially after Ezio walked in on him changing, and yes, Desmond had been naked), but there was a slight problem. Malik and Altaïr didn't speak a word of English, and it was starting to frustrate Desmond.

Not only was there a language barrier, but the assassins' apartment had started to smell. Lucy had begun hinting at it, and by hinting, she meant follow Altaïr and Malik around with Febreeze and spray them, causing the two to give her weird looks. It was started to give Desmond a headache (probably from too much Febreeze). So, he made a decision to introduce Altaïr and Malik to the shower.

Desmond brought both of them to the bathroom, "This," he said, pointing to the shower, "make you clean," he pretended to wash his hair, "Smell good after," he said, sniffing his clothes. Altaïr looked at Malik, who shrugged. Desmond sighed, turned on the tap, and soon water began flowing out.

"NOPE!"

Desmond turned around and saw Altaïr trying to run away, but was struggling against Malik who had his arms wrapped around his waist, and they were yelling at each in Arabic. This, unfortunately, attracted Ezio's attention.

"What's going on _amico_?" he asked, looking at Desmond while Malik and Altaïr continued to yell at each other while Malik tried to get Altaïr back in the bathroom.

"I don't even know," Desmond answered, watching the two men.

"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DROWN NOVICE!"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW?! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SOMETHING LIKE THAT BEFORE?! I AM NOT GETTING I...WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"EZIO!" Desmond and Malik yelled. Ezio simply turned around and smiled.

"What?" he asked. Malik face palmed as Altaïr lost his cool and started freaking out in the shower because he couldn't figure out how to turn it off or get out of the shower, "He just needed a little...push," Ezio said, smiling and Desmond grabbed the frame of the door and began banging his head against it.

That was the day that everyone learned Altaïr was afraid of water.

**That Windex**

Unlike Altaïr and Ezio, Connor could climb trees, and he liked to rub it in their faces. However, he was told numerous times by Desmond-and Shaun-that he was not to go outside because they didn't know how the assassins would react to the new sights and sounds of the strange world. That did not stop Connor from sneaking out and climbing the trees surrounding the building. He couldn't help it. Besides, if he had to spend another minute inside with the raging insanity of the others he would assassinate them.

Slowly and painfully.

Connor sat on a branch, looking out over the horizon. He watched the sun rise, and smiled. It was peaceful outside, compared to the chaos that had erupted inside. Altaïr was pissed at Ezio for throwing him in the shower, and even though they couldn't understand each other, he made it known. Malik, on the other hand, was busy trying to read various books that Shaun had. Connor honestly didn't know why, because he didn't speak English, but he guessed that it was Malik's way of looking busy so Ezio wouldn't bother him.

"CONNOR! WHAT THE HELL?"

Connor turned around and saw Shaun staring at him, the cup of tea that was in his hand was now on the floor. Connor smiled and waved at him while Rebecca was just giggling at him.

"He's just enjoying the fresh air Shaun leave him be."

"We strictly told him to not go outside! We don't know how he'll react!"

"He seems fine."

"REBECCA THAT"S NOT THE POINT!" Shaun yelled, "Connor get in here now!" Connor shrugged, and Rebecca's eyes went wide as Connor got ready to jump.

"CONNOR N..."

THUMP!

Both Shaun and Rebecca flinched as Connor slowly slid down the window, streaking it with his saliva. Shaun looked down at him as he fell off the building, and landed in a pile of leaves, "Well it's good that there was a conveniently placed pile of leaves there to break his fall," He turned and looked at Rebecca, "Lucy cleaned the windows, didn't she?" Rebecca nodded, "Damn Windex. He did the same thing those stupid birds do."

"Should I...get the first aid kit?" Rebecca asked, and Shaun sighed.

"Might as well. Maybe this might teach him a lesson."

**ABC is Easy As...**

"Repeat after me: e..."

Desmond walked into his bedroom and stopped, "Uh, Ezio?" Ezio turned around, and smiled.

"Ah _Signore_ Desmond! Just in time!" Desmond knew he would regret asking THAT question (he always did when it came to Ezio), but he did anyways.

"What are you doing?" Desmond asked.

"Teaching Malik and Altaïr English," Desmond pinched the bridge of his nose. He could feel a headache coming on. He needed to find the asprin now.

"Why?"

"Isn't it obvious? So we can understand each other!" Desmond looked over at Malik and Altaïr who simply shook their heads, as if to say they didn't like this, and wanted it to stop.

"Ezio I don't think..."

"Shush! Now," Ezio pointed to pictures that were glued to the wall (Desmond made a mental note to by stuff to get the glue off his wall), "Name each thing," He pointed to a picture of a cat.

"Cat," they said, and Ezio smiled, then pointed to a picture of a tree.

"Tree."

"Ezio I really think..."

"Desmond shush! Things are going along well!" Meanwhile Altaïr and Malik began talking among themselves.

"Why does this novice think he can teach us anything?" Malik asked, looking at Ezio. Altaïr shrugged.

"He's a strange one, but not as strange as the one who climbs trees," Altaïr answered.

"What do you think they're saying?" Malik asked, watching Desmond and Ezio fight with each other.

"Something about a knee," Altaïr said, "And how he shouldn't dig it in someone's...nose?" Malik gave him The Look (you all know what look that is).

"That is completely wrong novice," Malik said, shaking his head, "They're obviously talking about a meal and how it didn't appeal to his goat."

"Desmond has a goat?"

Desmond and Ezio had stopped fighting and were now listening to Altaïr and Malik. Ezio threw his hands in the air, "I give up," he said, "We're never going to understand them," Ezio left the room. Desmond watched him, then gave thumbs up to Altaïr and Malik, grinning.

* * *

_A big thanks to Hot Chocolate is Yummy for the idea about everyone not being able to understand Malik and Altaïr. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and if you have any ideas leave them in the reviews!_


	3. Chapter 3

**It's-a Pizza!**

"Alright, so are we ready for the movie marathon?" Rebecca asked Desmond, who nodded. He pulled out a stack of DVDs' and placed them down on the floor.

"What do you want to start with first?" he asked, and Rebecca looked down at them, then pulled out one, "Van Helsing nice choice."

"Gotta say, I love this movie. It will always be one of my favorites," Rebecca said, and popped it into the DVD player. They sat down on the couch, "Oh, did you remember to order the pizza?" she asked, and Desmond nodded.

"It should be here soon," His new phone went off, and he answered it, "Hello? Yup that's me. Ok I'll be down in a minute," He got up, and pulled out his wallet, "Don't start the movie yet," Desmond went down to meet the pizza man, while Rebecca waited for him.

"_Ciao_ Rebecca!"

"AHHHHH! EZIO!" she yelled, jumping up on the arm of the couch. The Italian Assassin smiled, "You scared me!"

"What are you and Desmond doing?" he asked.

"Having a movie marathon with junk food, it's gonna be sick!" she said excitedly. Desmond came back in holding two boxes, and Ezio's eyes went wide.

"What...is that heavenly smell?" he asked, staring at the boxes in Desmond's hands.

"It's pizza," Desmond answered, and Ezio looked at the box in wonder as Desmond opened it.

Before him, he saw a circular shaped food with cheese and pepperoni and green peppers and mushrooms. It looked delicious. He slowly reached his hand in, and snuck a piece. Ezio took a bite, and slowly chewed it. His eyes went wide, and the hallelujah chorus could be heard in his head.

"This...is...THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER TASTED!" he yelled, jumping onto the couch. Desmond rolled his eyes, and Rebecca started the movie, "Can we get more?"

"Not now."

"PLLLEEEEAAAASSSSSEEEEE?" Rebecca covered her ears, trying to drown out Ezio's begging, and Desmond felt another headache coming on.

"Go bother Shaun about it," Desmond said, and Rebecca gave him thedon'tyoudaretellthemtobotherShaun look. Ezio's face lit up.

"Ok!" He got up and ran to find Shaun. Rebecca looked at him.

"Shaun is going to kill you."

"Unless Ezio kills him with his...uniqueness first," Desmond said.

ACACACACACACAC

"PLLLLEEEEEAAAAASSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEE?" Ezio begged, shaking Shaun as he held him by his shoulder. The British Assassin took off his glasses.

"Ezio, I'm busy."

"BUT...I NEED PIZZA! I WILL DIE WITHOUT IT!" Ezio wailed, falling on the floor. Shaun looked down at him, then up at Malik who was in the corner meditating.

"How does he do that?" Shaun asked, "He's so calm and collected all the time," Inside of Malik's head, he was humming an old lullaby that his mom use to sing him, which helped him drown out Ezio's whining.

"BUT DESMOND SAID..." Shaun glared at him, and pointed his finger in Ezio's face.

" . . . . If you want pizza so bad, go and get it yourself," he said, and in a flash Ezio was gone, "Shit what did I just unleash onto the world?"

ACACACACACACAC

Ezio walked into a pizza shop, behind the counter and began taking all the boxes, "Hey what are you doing?!" the manager yelled, waving a receipt in the air. Ezio looked at him.

"I'm taking these pizzas," he said, and began walking out of the store.

"You have to pay for those!" Ezio stopped, and turned around.

"Bill it to Desmond Miles."

**The Television Experiment**

Desmond looked at the faces of the four assassins, watching their every move. Ever since Ezio stole all those pizzas, they had to put locks on the door and security cameras up to make sure they didn't sneak out anymore.

It was giving everyone a headache.

"Alright, since you can't go outside anymore, we have to decided to introduce you to television," Desmond said, pacing back and forth in front of them, "It's a way of keeping you entertained so you don't go crazy," Altaïr and Malik looked at each other with confused looks on their face, "And, because of the language barrier, Rebecca was kind enough to get Arabic subtitles so Altaïr and Malik could understand," Everyone nodded, "Alright, here we go," Desmond turned on the tv, and put on _The Big Bang Theory._

"WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!" Ezio yelled, jumping up on the couch, "THERE ARE PEOPLE TRAPPED WE MU..."

"NO Ezio they're not trapped!" Desmond yelled, standing in front of it, causing Malik and Altaïr to protest, "It's just a show. No one is trapped."

"OOOOOHHHHHHH," Ezio said, and sat back down on the couch. Desmond breathed a sigh of relief. The television belonged to Lucy, and she would kill him if they broke it.

After a few minutes, Desmond changed the channel to the news, "This is news. It informs us of what is happening around t..."

"TEMPLAR!"

Desmond looked at the tv and saw a man wearing a white shirt with a red cross on it, "No, that's not a..."

"TEMPLAR! WE MUST FIND HIM!" The four assassins jumped up from the couch and ran towards the door.

BAM!

Desmond face palmed, as they all groaned from slamming into the window, streaking the glass, "This is going to be a long week," Desmond said.

**Oppa Assassin Style!**

Rebecca was the only one awake, and so she put on her headphones, putting on some tunes to get her day started. She started humming and moving around the kitchen, dancing as she did.

Little did she know, Ezio and Connor were watching her, confused about what she was doing. Altaïr and Malik were meditating, and they wanted peace and quiet, "What is she doing?" Connor whispered, watching her dance around the kitchen.

"I don't know," Ezio answered, "but I'm afraid to ask," Rebecca turned around, and saw them. She took off her headphones, the bass being heard from her music.

"Hey guys! Don't look scared! I'm just dancing!" she said, smiling. The two exchanged a glance, "Here I'll show you."

_Two hours later..._

_"OPPA GANGNAM STYLE!"_

Desmond's eyes snapped open, and he sat up, "God no," he muttered, and jumped out of bed, running to the kitchen, "REBECCA NO!"

In the kitchen, Rebecca, Connor and Ezio were doing the Gangnam Style dance with the music blasting and the thump thump thump of their feet on the floor. Shaun stood behind Desmond, rubbing his eyes.

"What in God's name have you introduced them to?" he demanded, glaring at Rebecca.

_"EHHHHH SEXXY LAAAADAY! OP OP OP OP OPPA GANGNAM STYLE!"_

"TURN IT OFF!" Desmond yelled, but the three people dancing ignored him, as they continued to dance and sing.


	4. Chapter 4

**The Outdoors**

"No! Absolutely not!"

"But...Shaun! They can't stay in here forever!"

"Well then we need to send them back to their respected times."

"But Shaun the Animus is not fixed yet! I need a few more days!" Rebecca begged, bunches of paper stacks in her arms.

The four Assassins were glued to the closed door, trying to listen to the interesting conversation. Connor was the unfortunate one of being closest to the door, which meant the three others were piled on top of him.

"What are they saying?" Ezio asked, and Connor shushed him, trying to listen, "Connor!"

"Ezio shut up, please? For once in your life," Connor said, and closed one eye, as if that would help him concentrate more. He'd try anything around Ezio, because the Italian assassin was getting on his nerves, and he was pretty sure the same thing could be said for Altaïr and Malik, if they could speak English.

A few days ago, Rebecca had introduced them to a website that specialized in teaching English as a second language, and so the two had spent most of their time glued to the computer screen, trying to understand the strange language.

"Something about..." Connor's eyes went wide, "They're going to let us go outside!" he yelled, jumping up and knocking everyone over in the process, "YEAH!" He jumped in the air.

The door swung open, and Shaun, Rebecca, Desmond and Lucy came out of the room, and saw the four assassins staring at them with big goofy grins on their faces, "They were eavesdropping on us," Lucy said, "So,we've decided to let you go outside BUT there are rules, and Shaun will explain them to you."

"Alright. No killing anyone, no climbing buildings, no carrying weapons, no pickpocketing, no eavesdropping, no beating people up or interrogating them, no accusing people of being Templars, obey the street signs, stay on the cross walk and always stay in a group. Am I clear?" he asked, crossing his arms and staring at each person in turn. The four nodded, "Alright. We're going to go to a park later today, so in the mean time you better change out of those...robes and into things that will make you look normal. And...you might want to shower too. You all smell a bit ripe."

**Altaïr vs The Shower, Part Two**

Altaïr stared at the shower, clutching the towel in his hand. He had to face his fear eventually or else he would be constantly ridiculed by Malik and Ezio, which he would not stand for. Altaïr leaned over, looking at the depth of the tub. It looked not too deep. He probably wouldn't drown.

Altaïr breathed out, and turned the tap on, and quickly pulled his hand back just before the water started flowing. He looked over his shoulder, making sure Ezio was not around, and placed one foot in the tub, then the other, and pulled the plug up to activate the shower head.

The water rained down on him. Altaïr had his eyes closed, then opened one, and realized that it wasn't that bad. It was actually refreshing and calming, and he began to really like taking a shower.

Altaïr saw the white bar on the ledge of the tub, and bent over to pick it up, but he dropped it, and it slide down to beneath his left foot. Altaïr didn't see it, and when he stepped on the soap, he slipped.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHDVASAKSJASA!"

He was lying on his back as the water was pounding on his face, "DESMOND! HELP!" he yelled, his arms flailing. Desmond burst through the bathroom door, and saw Altaïr freaking out while lying down on the tub, and he shut off the water. Altaïr looked up at him, and Desmond handed him a towel.

"Maybe it was too soon for you to attempt to shower," he said, as Altaïr got out and simply glared at him, "We'll try again."

* * *

_Sorry it took so long to update! I'll try and get regular updates so you guys aren't waiting for a long time! _


	5. Chapter 5

**Girls, Animals and Beggars Oh My!**

Desmond looked at the four assassins, all dressed in modern clothes. They were scratching and tugging at the clothes, "Desmond these itch!" Ezio complained, pulling at his sweater.

"These feel weird," Connor said, tugging at his pants. Desmond looked at Altaïr and Malik.

"Anything you'd like to add to their complaints?" he asked, crossing his arms, and the two shook their heads, "Alright, we're going to go outside now. Stay close to me," They all stood up and walked down to the door. Desmond hoped he wasn't making a mistake, and opened the door.

"THE LIGHT!"

"IT BURNS!"

"GUYS! It's just the sun," Desmond exclaimed at the four cowering assassins. They all stopped, and looked at him.

"Oh," they all said, and ventured outside, following Desmond.

Connor looked around, amazed by all these tall buildings. They reached towards the sky, and it looked like some touched the sky, "But...the animals..." he muttered in a daze, and saw a squirrel, "Oh!" he exclaimed, and began to chase it.

"Connor no!" Desmond yelled, and ran after him, leaving Ezio with Malik and Altaïr (glup).

Ezio looked around, and saw two girls sitting on a bench. He nudged them, "Watch this," he said, and walked over to them, "Hello ladies, mind if I join you?' he asked in his smooth Italian accents. The two girls melted, and immediately made room for him. He sat down and placed their arms around them.

Malik and Altaïr looked at each, not sure what to do. Everything was foreign to them, and so they began walking in silence as they heard Desmond yelling at Connor to get down from a tree. He was now trying to catch a bluejay.

As they turned the corner, Altaïr grabbed Malik's sleeve, "Oh no," he whispered.

"What?" Malik exclaimed, and Altaïr pointed. There, sitting down on the street, was a beggar. Malik looked at him, "Maybe...if we don't move, h..."

The beggar looked up, "Can you spare a bit of change?" he asked, holding out his cup.

"No good he's seen us!"

"RUN!" Malik and Altaïr took off running in the other direction, but bumped into an older woman.

"Spare change?"

"AHHH!" they screamed, and ran in front of traffic, causing people to yell at them and wave their middle fingers while leaning on their car horns. They ran past Desmond trying to coax Connor out of the tree.

"Altaïr! Malik!" Desmond yelled, and began chasing them, forgetting about Connor, "Where are you going?"

"THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!" Altaïr yelled, as he shoved a young child aside.

"Who?" Desmond asked.

"THE BEGGARS!" Desmond face palmed.

"Maybe this was a bad idea," he said, looking around at the four assassins, "Yup, definately a bad idea."

**Rule #1: Don't Ever Facepalm**

After Desmond got Connor out of tree, Ezio away from the girls and Altaïr and Malik to calm down about the beggars, he made them wait outside of a convenience store while he ran inside to get milk and bread. Ezio winked at every girl who walked by, "Do you have to?" Altaïr asked, obviously annoyed. Ezio smiled at him.

"They can't resist this charm," he said, motioning to his face. Connor and Malik glanced at each other, but kept quiet. They were afraid of inflating Ezio's ego anymore than what it was, "Hey _bella_!" Ezio called to a girl who was jogging on the opposite side of the street. Altaïr sighed, and face palmed.

"You hopel..."

KA-SHINK!

Altaïr froze, and slowly Connor and Malik turned their heads to look at him. Ezio stood with his mouth wide open, unable to speak. Altaïr looked at them, "Nngh," was the noise that came from him.

"You _didn't,_" Connor gasped, and all hell broke loose.

"Don't stand there! Help me!" Altaïr yelled, waving his one free arm around.

"How?!" Ezio yelled. He was freaking out, "I..I...DESMOND!"

Meanwhile, Desmond was busy counting out change to pay for his milk and bread, completely unaware of what chaos had broken loose outside, "There," he said, handing it to the cashier. She placed it in the cash.

"Hav..."

"DESMOND!"

Desmond turned around, "Ezio wh...OH MY GOD! ALTAÏR WHAT HAPPENED?!" Desmond yelled.

"THAT DOESN'T MATTER! WE NEED TO GET HIM TO A HOSPITAL!" Connor yelled. The cashier's mouth dropped, her gum falling on the counter. Desmond looked at the milk, then at Altaïr, "FORGET THE MILK DESMOND! COME ON WE'RE FREAKING OUT OVER HERE!" Desmond gave her an apologetic look, and rushed over to them, pulling out his cellphone and calling an ambulance.

Moments later, the ambulance arrived, and the two paramedics placed Altaïr on a stretcher, then loaded him into the ambulance. Desmond had called Lucy, and she arrived in her car shortly after the ambulance did, "Take Ezio and Connor to the hospital. Me and Malik are going with Altaïr," he said, as he climbed in the back of the ambulance.

"What happened?" she asked.

"Connor and Ezio can tell you," Desmond said, and the paramedic shut the door.

Malik looked at Altaïr, "Novice," he said.

"Shut up."

* * *

_The second short is based off MidnightReinor's drawing on deviantart called Altair FAIL. I take no credit for the idea._

_Hope you enjoyed these two shorts!_


	6. Chapter 6

**The River Incident**

After Altaïr had been released from the hospital, Desmond decided to take him and Malik out for ice cream, not because he was feeling nice but because he wanted to get them away from Ezio. Altaïr had a patch over his eye (ha crippled like Malik), and it was hard for him to distinguish directions and how far things were from him. Malik wasn't really being any help because he would just look at him and say, "Novice."

Desmond stood in the line while the two assassins sat on a bench, "Novice," Malik said.

"Shut up," Altaïr snapped, crossing his arms, "What is this stuff he's getting us?"

"It's called ice cream," Malik said, "but I don't know what it is."

"Will it help with the pain?"

"I don't know."

Desmond came back over and handed them two brown things on a stick. Altaïr and Malik looked at it curiously, examining it, "It's called a polar bar," Desmond explained, sitting down on the bench, "It's vanilla ice cream surrounded by chocolate. Try it," Malik took a nibble off the top, and his eyes went wide.

"This is the most heavenly thing I have ever tasted!" he exclaimed. Altaïr also took a nibble, then shrugged.

"It's alright," he said.

The three got up, and began walking down the street. Desmond looked at them._ Maybe bringing them outside was a good idea,_he thought, _Altaïr and Malik are en__joying themselves._

He spoke too soon.

Altaïr didn't see the ledge that he walked into, but he didn't see the river as he plunged towards it, "WAAAAHHHHHHH!" he screamed.

SPLASH!

"HELP I CAN'T SWIM!" he yelled, flailing his arms in the air.

"You've got to be kidding me," Desmond said in disbelief, and Malik nodded.

"He skipped the swimming lesson day," he explained, and Desmond groaned, "Someone needs to save him, and since...I ONLY HAVE ONE ARM...you need to do it," Desmond took off his shoes, and jumped in after Altaïr. Malik smirked.

"Pay back is sweet," he leaned over the ledge, "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR MAKING ME LOSE MY ARM NOVICE!" he yelled.

**Templar!**

The next day, it was Shaun who was lucky enough to take the assassins outside (yay Shaun!) and he was regretting his decision already. He took them to a park, and they were sitting underneath a large tree. Connor, of course, had climbed up the tree and was talking about the view, Ezio was calling out to the girls, Altaïr was leaning against the tree and Shaun and Malik were both sitting down, reading.

Connor was enjoying the view, and he saw a flock of birds fly over, "Wow!" he exclaimed, then looked down at the ground. He spotted a man in white with a red cross on him, "Templar," he muttered, and jumped down. He nudged Altaïr, and pointed. Altaïr looked, and saw the Templar with his good eye. He grabbed Ezio, and pulled him away from the girls.

"Wha..."

"Templar," he said, pointing, and Ezio saw him. The three looked down at Shaun and Malik, then slowly made their way over and began following him.

_ACACACACACACACAC_

Malik stretched, and placed his book down. He suddenly noticed that it was quiet, almost too quiet. He got up, and looked around, "Oh no," he whispered, and Shaun looked up at him.

"What now?"

"Uh, nothing," Malik said quickly, and Shaun raised his eyebrows,

"What Malik?"

"They're gone," Shaun looked around, and jumped up.

"Where did the..."

"GAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

They both looked at each other, and began running towards the scream.

They rounded a corner and stopped when they came to an alley. Connor was holding a fat teenager by his arms, while Ezio and Altaïr took turns punching him, "LET ME GO!" he wailed.

"Tell us where the Templar lair is!" Ezio demanded, punching him in the stomach.

"I don't know what you're talking about!"

"He's a difficult one to break," Altaïr said, "but I think if we break his legs he'll talk," The boy's face went pale.

"Brrrrreeeaakkk mmmmmyyy llllllllleeegggs?" he stuttered, and Connor held him still. Altaïr found a pipe on the ground, and placed it against the boy's knees, "OH GOD NO! SOMEBODY HELP ME!"

Shaun ran over and pulled the pipe from Altaïr while Malik grabbed Connor and Ezio by their ears, "What are you doing?!" Shaun exclaimed.

"He's a Templar!"

"No, he's not!" Shaun walked over to the boy, "I'm terribly sorry about this, it won't happen again," he pulled out his wallet, and gave the boy fifty bucks, "Listen, just forget everything ok? Go buy yourself a comic book or something."

"Sweet! Thanks sir!" The fat teenager rushed out of the ally, and Shaun glared at the assassins.

"I wouldn't be scared of me, I'd be scared of Desmond and Lucy."


	7. Chapter 7

**Animus Fail**

"Guys I think I have fixed the problem!" Rebecca exclaimed, "Now we can send these four back where they're supposed to be!" Shaun excused himself and left the room. The song "I'm So Excited" could be heard down the block, "Anywho," Rebecca continued, "Let's send them back!"

"BUT I DON'T WANNA GO BACK TO ITALY!" Ezio wailed, clinging to Desmond, "I LIKE IT HERE BETTER!" Connor walked over and patted him on the shoulder.

"There, there," Now Ezio clung to Connor, "Um, Ezio? Can you let go? You're hurting me."

Rebecca motioned for Altaïr and Malik to stand near the Animus, and she began typing on her computer. The Animus began heating up, "Well, it's been...interesting," Desmond said, as Ezio sobbed onto Connor's shoulder, "Good luck back in..."

SCRREEEEEEEEECCCCCHHHH! CLLLAAAANNNNGGGG! BANNNNNG!

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! "

Altaïr opened his eyes, "Ezio, get off of me," he said, "NOW!" he yelled, and the assassin jumped off. Altaïr got up and brushed himself up.

"Altaïr, where's Malik? And why am I here?"

"What has happened here?"

"Where is the one responsible for this?" The two of them froze, and saw the bodies of the dead guards beneath them, then looked up at the two guards staring at them, "ASSASSINS!"

"Shit," they both muttered, and jumped up and began running.

"GET THE ASSASSINS!"

"DEATH TO THE INFIDELS!"

_ACACACACACACACACACACACAC_

Connor opened his eyes, and saw a man with blond hair staring at him, "Uh, hi," he said, and got up. His robes were covered in paint.

"You're not Ezio," the man said, and Connor looked at himself.

"No, I'm Connor, Ezio's ancestor," The blond man just stared at him, and dropped his easel, "Who are you?"

"Leonardo da Vinci, Ezio's friend," Connor looked around the room.

"I guess I'm not in America?"

_ACACACACACACACACACACAC_

"GAHHH! WHAT IS THIS...THIS WHITE STUFF?!"

Desmond poked his head up from underneath the snow, and saw Malik recoiling against a tree in fear, "It freezes! And it's cold! What is this sorcery?" Desmond looked around, and saw they were in a forest.

"Malik it's just snow. It's supposed to be cold," he explained, "Wait, where's Altaïr?" he asked, standing up, "and Ezio and Connor? Where the hell are we?!"

_"Uh, Desmond?" _he heard Rebecca's voice, _"I think the Animus is still broken."_

"What gave you that idea?" Desmond asked sarcastically, watching Malik poke his finger into the snow, amazed by it.

"Desmond it melts when it touches my hand!"

_"Well, it seems that when I tried to send Altaïr and Malik back, the five of you got sucked in and it spit you out into different time periods. Right now, Ezio and Altaïr are in Jerusalem in 1195, Connor is in 15th century Venice, and you and Malik are in 18th century_ Boston," Desmond's mouth dropped open, and he looked at Malik.

"What...are we gonna do?" he asked.

_"I will find a way to fix this and bring you back here and send them where they are supposed to be."_

"Pleas hurry."

* * *

_Uh-oh! What will our assassin friends do in different time periods? How will Altaïr survive being stuck with Ezio? What will Connor make of Venice? What will happen to Desmond and Malik in America? What will the Templars think of this? Will Rebecca fix the Animus, or will our assassin friends be stuck in the wrong time period forever? Stay tuned!_

_As a side note, I'm going away for five weeks on Sunday and it may be difficult for me to update but I will try my best. Enjoy!_


	8. Chapter 8

_Sorry for the long wait! Here is the long awaited update!_

* * *

**That's Snow Fun****  
**

Desmond and Malik trudged through the snow, and with every step Malik would scream and freak out. Desmond was starting to get a massive headache, "Malik, for the last time, it's not going to hurt you," he said, turning to look at the one armed assassin. Malik looked at him.

"But it's so weird! How is it made? Why is it cold? Why is it white?"

"I don't know, and I don't care! Can we please just keep walking until we find a town or something?" Desmond pleaded, and Malik began to sook. Desmond groaned, and they kept trudging through the snow.

Moments later, Malik spoke again.

"I'm hungry."

"What do you want me to do about it?" Desmond asked, his feet soaked and freezing. Of all the places (and of course with Malik) he would be stuck somewhere cold.

"Do you have any food?"

"No."

They kept walking in silence, when they heard something moving in the trees. Desmond stopped, and looked around, but he didn't see anything, "Do you see anything Mal..."

WHOOOOSSSHHHHH!

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Desmond turned around, and saw a giant pile of snow that used to be Malik, "Why me," he whined, and walked over to begin digging the one armed assassin out.

**Shove Me Once, Shame On You**

"I think we lost them," Ezio whispered, and Altaïr covered Ezio's mouth with his hand, listening. He heard footsteps, then they stopped, "Where did he go?" he heard a guard asked, "This is a waste of my time. He's not around here anymore," He heard the guard walk away, then jumped out of the hay bale, Ezio behind him.

"Wow, they're really stupid," Ezio said, and Altaïr nodded.

"Yup. Sometimes I hid within the monks and they don't notice me," Ezio was shocked, standing with his mouth hung open, "Come on. We need to get back to Masayf."

"Masswhaty?" Ezio asked, and Altaïr rolled his eyes, then motioned for him to follow him through the streets.

They had been walking for some time when they came to a narrow street, and there was four men all hunched over, mumbling to themselves. Altaïr placed a hand on Ezio's shoulder, "Be careful. They will shove you," Ezio snorted.

"Ha, yeah right."

He began walking towards one of them, "_Ciao _my fin..."

"GHAGVKSHBASJHBKSHDKB!"

"OUCH! WHAT THE HELL?!"

Altaïr sighed, and watched as Ezio stumbled forward after the man shoved him, "I told you," he said, crossing his arms, "Wait...Ezio...what ar... EZIO HE'S A CIVILIAN PUT HIM DOWN!" Altaïr yelled, running towards the building and began climbing it.

Ezio was hanging the man over the side, holding him by the front of his shirt, "Shove me again, I dare you."

"EZIO!"

"THERE HE IS!"

"DEATH TO THE ASSASSIN!" Altaïr groaned.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

**The Minstrel**

"So, I need to find Ezio's uncle?" Connor asked, and Leonardo nodded.

"Just follow this road, and you should find it in no time," Leonardo said, as he walked Ezio to the door, "Good luck, and I hope you get back to your own time soon," Ezio smiled, and left the small studio, walking into the unknown streets of Venice.

He looked around, confused by the buildings and the people. Everything seemed to move too fast for him. He began walking, people pushing past him, giving him strange looks. A weird man in weird pants ran up to him, strumming a weird looking box thing.

"_This poor young lad is lost and alone..._"

"I am not," Connor said, and kept walking, hoping the man would leave him alone, but no such luck.

"_He has tears in his eyes and a scared look on his face.._."

"Cut it out!"

"_He yells because he knows the truth..._"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!

_ACACACACACACAC_

"Uh Mario? There's someone at the door for you," Ezio's uncle, Mario, looked up from his work.

"Who is it?"

"You better come take a look at this," Mario got up and followed the servant to the door. He opened the door, and saw a young man sobbing with a minstrel behind him, singing about his woes and how scared he was.

"MAKE HIM STOP PLEASE! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Connor wailed, and Mario looked at his servant.

"That's not Ezio."

"I know."

"Who is he?"

"He says he knows Ezio," Mario looked at him, watching him sob and try to scare away the minstrel.

"Give the minstrel gold and put this...young boy in front of the fire. He needs to calm down," The servant tossed out some coins and the minstrel stopped singing. He began collecting the coins as the servant led Connor inside.

* * *

_I honestly think it's hilarious that Altaïr can hide with monks, and even more so that Ezio can hide with prostitutes. Where is the logic in that?_

_I HATE the guys who push you, they made me become exposed for one of the assassination (RAGE)._

_Anyways, hope you enjoyed this chapter!_


	9. Chapter 9

**Haytham**

Desmond and Malik trudged through the snow, their clothes soaked through. They were freezing cold, they were hungry, their feet hurt, they were tired and the list went on and on and on and on and on.

Desmond sneezed, and wiped his nose with the sleeve of his hoodie. He looked over his shoulder at Malik. The one armed assassin was silent, his head bent as he stared down at the white stuff on the ground. They didn't speak, not because they didn't like each other but because it was cold and they wanted to conserve energy.

"Did you hear that?"

Desmond turned around, and saw that Malik had stopped walking, "Hear what?"

"Footsteps," he answered, and looked around, "I think someone's following us," Desmond looked around, and saw lights in the distance, moving through the trees.

"I think you're right," They began moving quickly through the snow, hoping to lose the people who were following them.

"THERE!" They heard a shout, "GET THE ASSASSIN!"

"Shit!" Desmond yelled, and they began running, trying not to trip up in the snow.

Malik tripped over a fallen log that was hidden by the snow, and fell on the ground, "Malik!" Desmond turned around and picked him up, but the tip of a gun was pointed at them. Soon, they were surrounded by men in red coats.

"Hands where I can see them," a voice said from the back of the group, and two of men moved aside, letting another man walk towards them, "You're not Connor."

"No?" Desmond said, a bit confused. The man turned to Malik.

"Where's your other arm?" he asked, and Malik turned away, hiding his stump.

"Itsnotmyfault," he mumbled.

"You can't be an assassin with only one arm."

"YES YOU CAN!" Malik snapped, and Desmond placed a hand on Malik's shoulder.

"Easy Malik," He looked at the man, "Who are you, and how do you know Connor?"

"My name is Haytham Kenway, and I'm his father."

**K-I-S-S-I-N-G**

After Altaïr and Ezio made it out of the city, avoided a couple of Templars, hid in some hay and walked with some monks, they were finally on their way to Masyaf. To Ezio, everything was different. For one, it was really hot, and so he was constantly splashing his face with water. For another, everything looked the same. Every path and tree looked the same.

"We already passed this tree Altaïr!" he wailed, "We're going in circles!" Altaïr counted to ten in his head. He was so close to killing Ezio.

"No, we're not. I know where we're going," he said through clenched teeth.

This had been the extent of the journey. Ezio almost didn't make it to Masayf.

When they finally reached Masyaf, there was a young woman standing by the gate, and when saw Altaïr she ran towards him, "Altaïr!" Altaïr jumped off his horse, and embraced her, holding her close. Ezio grimaced in disgust, "Where were you?" she asked, when she pulled away.

"It's a long story," he answered, and turned to Ezio, "This is Ezio. That is also a very long story," The woman looked at Ezio and smiled.

"Hello Ezio my name's Maria," she said.

"Nice to meet you," Ezio said, and gave Altaïr a look. He dismounted his horse, "So, are you Altaïr's sister?" he asked, and Maria laughed.

"No. I'm his wife."

"OOOOOOHHHHH. I seee," he said, a small smirk on his face. Altaïr shot him a look.

"Where's Malik?" Maria asked.

"That is another long story," Altaïr answered.

"When I heard you were back I had to run and meet you, but I need to get back. The food won't make itself," Maria said, and kissed Altaïr on the cheek, "See you in a bit," He smiled as she walked away.

As soon as Maria was gone, Ezio burst out laughing, "Oh this is too much! You have a wife?! You gotta be kidding me!" Altaïr shot him a look.

"What's so funny?" he demanded, as Ezio wiped his eyes.

"You have a wife!"

They began walking into Masayf while Ezio continued laughing, "Altaïr and Maria, hiding in some hay, baby making all the way..."

"You're so mature," Altaïr said.

"First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby assassin in a baby carriage!"

"I love how mature you are."

"So seriously? How did you get her to marry you? Did you kidnap her?" Ezio asked. Altaïr fell silent, and averted his gaze, "Al-Altaïr? T-That's a-a joke. You di-didn't..." Ezio fell silent, and they said nothing to each other.

**The New Ezio**

"So you're saying that my nephew is in another time period?" Mario asked, and Connor nodded, "Hmmm, how odd that this happened. Ezio has many unfinished things to take care of here," Mario looked at Connor, "Well, since you are an assassin, would you like to finish his jobs?"

"Me?" Connor asked, shocked, "Are you being serious?" Mario nodded.

"You met his friend Leonardo I assume," Connor nodded, "He can help you find your way around, considering you're not from here, but yes I think it's a good idea," Mario leaned forward, "Be Ezio for a few days until you return back to your own time," Connor thought about it. He could be a new and improved Ezio! A smirk formed on his face.

"Sure. I'll be Ezio."


	10. Chapter 10

**Being Ezio**

Connor loved being Ezio.

That was something he never thought he'd say.

But it was great!

He never realized how many women were actually in love with Ezio because of his charm. It threw him off guard at first, because he didn't know how to react to all these women running up and hugging him, but he actually got used to it. And then he got tired of it, so he started pushing them away, really confusing them.

Connor grinned. Ezio was going to hate him when he returned to his own time. But it was so much fun! And people gave him free drinks!

Connor had never tasted alcohol before, so it was an interesting experience when he got drunk for the first time...

_"Yooou guysare greeataat," Connor slurred, hanging off the two guards, "I know, I know I don't say thisssenught, but you're great," he said, grinning from ear to ear. The two guards looked at each other, confused._

_"Uh, thanks. You're...you're great too."_

_"REALLLY?" Connor asked, his eyes wide with excitement. The two guards didn't know what to do._

The women were a bit confused during that time.

_"No I don't luvv you," Connor slurred, pointing his finger at Cristina._

_"But...Ezio!" she exclaimed, tears in her eyes.  
_

_"You're not as pretty as the other gurls, that's just how its is," he said, shrugging, then taking a swing from the wine bottle._

Yup, Ezio would hate him, but it was so worth it in the end.

Connor saw a group of guards standing by a fountain, and smirked, "Could this day get any better?" he asked, smiling to himself. He walked over to the guards, and shoved one of them in the fountain.

"STOP!"

"GET HIM!"

"ASSASSIN!"

**The Waiting Game**

Malik and Desmond were in Haytham's house, tied to chairs. Haytham sat at his desk, the quill scratching against paper. Malik was glaring at him while Desmond looked around, examining all the surrounds.

_"Desmond! I have the Animus fixed!" _Haytham looked up from his work.

"Am I going crazy?" he asked.

"Good. Get us out of here please," Desmond begged, "Malik looks like he's going to crack any second."

_"Hang on," _Rebecca said, and there was silence, _"Ok here we go!"_ There was a flash of bright light. Haytham covered his eyes, dropping the quill on his desk. He squinted, and saw two shapes appear on the chairs. He stood up, and slowly walked over. The light dimmed.

"Connor?" he said, and Connor looked up at him.

"Hey," he said, "I never thought I'd say this but I am glad to see you."

"DESMOND!"

They looked over and saw Altaïr in the chair, "WHY AM I TIED TO A CHAIR?!" he yelled, and Connor looked at his father.

"This should be fun," he said.

_ACACACACACACACAC_

Malik groaned, and looked up, "Ezio, get off me. NOW!" he yelled, and the Italian assassin jumped up. Leonardo peeked up from under his table.

"EZIO! THANK GOODNESS!" he yelled, and ran over to his friend, helping him up, "Uh, who is this?" he asked, looking at Malik.

"Oh god," Ezio said, horrified, "This is worse than being stuck with Altaïr!"

_ACACACACACACACAC_

"I'm so happy you're back," Maria said, placing a plate down in front of Desmond, "You're not Altaïr," Desmond looked around, then at Maria.

"REBECCA!" he yelled.

_"Sorry! I guess there's still some bugs to work out," _Rebecca said, _"This time I'll make sure I fix it."_

* * *

_Oh no! Another warp! How Desmond survive in Masyaf? How will Ezio deal being stuck with Malik? Will Altaïr be able to resist not killing Connor and Haytham? Stay tuned!_


	11. Chapter 11

**Restrained**

For the next couple of days, Altaïr remained tied to a chair. Not because he tried to escape, but because Connor was afraid that he would try and hurt him (and Haytham), but mainly him. Altaïr glared at Connor.

"When are you going to untie me?" he asked.

"When you stop looking at me like you want to rip my head off," Connor answered, watching Altaïr. Haytham was off at his desk, ignoring them. Connor walked away from him and looked at Haytham.

"Did you miss me?" he asked, and Haytham looked up.

"No."

"Good. I didn't miss you either," Connor said, and looked over at Altaïr, "I don't know what we're going to do with you. I'm back where I'm supposed to be but...you're not."

"Really I haven't noticed," Altaïr said sarcastically, and Haytham rolled his eyes.

"Is he always like this?" he asked, obviously annoyed.

"Yeah pretty much."

"Great."

Altaïr looked around, suddenly suspicious, "Someone just tried to touch my spare robes in Masyaf," he said. (See Desmond's part below)

**Maybe I Deserved That**

Ezio and Malik were strolling (yes, strolling) the streets of Florence when Ezio saw Cristina. A smile spread across his face, and he walked over to her, "Cristina!" he exclaimed, arms wide open. The woman looked over her shoulder, and snuffed him, "_Mi amore, _what did I do?" She turned around, walked over to him and slapped him across the face. Ezio looked at Malik, who was trying to hide his laughter.

"You know exactly what you did," she snapped, and walked away, cursing at him. Malik walked over to him.

"What was that about?" he asked, obviously amused. Ezio shrugged, and saw another one of his girls.

"Rosa!" he exclaimed and the girl ran over and also slapped him, this time on the opposite cheek.

"Don't you act like nothing happened!" she yelled, pointing her finger in his face, "You're a pig Ezio!" She turned on her heel and walked away, leaving Ezio confused.

"Ok, well maybe...she's in a bad mood," Ezio said, trying to understand why the girls were angry with him. He saw another girl, and yet the same thing happened, and again, and again, and again, and a...

"I thought you said you were a lady's man," Malik mocked, after about the fiftieth slap. Ezio rubbed his cheek, glaring at him.

"Shut up."

"Novice."

**Heratic! Infidel!**

Maria looked at Desmond, "Well, you can't walk around Masyaf looking like that," she said, gesturing at his clothes, "You need to blend in," Desmond nodded. The last thing he wanted was for people to chase him yelling strange words at him Arabic. Desmond looked around and saw a set of spare Assassin robes.

"What about these?" he asked, walking over to them. His hand hovered above them, just about to grab the fabric when Maria slapped his hand away.

"Don't touch those! They're Altaïr's!" she exclaimed, wagging her finger at him.

"He won't mind if I borrow them," Desmond said, but Maria pulled him away from the robes.

"Yes he will. He's very particular about his robes. I swear he can sense when someone is near them (haha now you get it). No, you'll have to go into the market and by some yourself," she said, and pulled out a sack of coins, "Here. Just... try not to attract too much attention, ok?" Desmond nodded, and set out to the market.

ACACACACACACACACACAC

Desmond looked around, and spotted a stand that sold robes, "Uh, excuse me..." he began, then was shoved out of the way, "Hey! What the hell?!" he yelled, turning around. He saw a man walking around with his arms close to his chest, babbling some foreign language, "Creep," he said, and turned back to the stand, "I was wond..."

CRASH!

Desmond crashed into some pots because the same guy had shoved him. He got up, "What the hell is your problem?!" he yelled, walking over to him. Desmond grabbed him by his shirt and shoved him back, "How do you like bei..."

"INFIDEL!"

"HERATIC!"

Desmond spun around and saw a group of guards running towards him, "Ah shit," he muttered, threw some coins at the man, took a robe and began running, the guards behind him.

"DEATH TO THE INFIDEL!"

They ran and ran and ran and ran and ran an...

"Hang on," Desmond said, stopping, panting, "I need to.."

"_QUE LE SEIGNEUR ME DONNAIT LA FORCE!"_

_"RANDOM SENTENCE IN ARABIC!"_

Desmond turned around, "Ah man. How does Altaïr do this?" he whined, and began running again.

* * *

_The last part is just the random things all the guards say (Really though, some of them are so random). Hope you enjoyed this chapter!_


	12. Chapter 12

**Dr. Altaïr, Part One**

Altaïr was still tied to the chair, and since he had nothing better to do, he began counting random objects in the small room. Connor and Haytham would leave every now and then, but when they came back they would always be fighting and it would drive Altaïr up the wall because 1) he couldn't leave and 2) he wanted to shut them up...for good.

Altaïr sighed as the door swung open and Connor and Haytham entered the room, yelling at each other.

"Why did you pick up the wrong bread?" Connor whined, as Haytham placed the bag down, "You know I don't like whole grain!"

"Well the white is too expensive, so you're gonna have to deal with it," Haytham answered, crossing his arms, "Stop acting like a child you're a grown man. Start acting like one."

"Don't yell at me!" Connor yelled, knocking the loaf of bread off the desk. Haytham looked down at it, then at his son.

"You, young man, are in..."

"WOULD YOU TWO SHUT THE HELL UP?!" Altaïr yelled, causing both of them to jump, "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! ALL YOU DO IS YELL AND BICKER AND PICK AT EVERY LITTLE THING! WHY CAN'T YOU GET ALONG?!"

"Because he's an Assassin," Haytham answered.

"He's a Templar," Connor answered at the same time. Altaïr wished he could smack both of them, but all he could do was mentally smack them. He took a deep breath, counting to ten, then spoke.

"Templars and Assassins can get along," he said calmly. Haytham and Connor looked at each other, then burst out laughing.

"YEAH RIGHT!"

"GOOD ONE! DID YOU SMACK YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU FELL?!"

"SHUT UP!" Altaïr yelled, and they both jumped again, "Listen, my wife is-was-a Templar and..."

"Wait," Connor cut him off, "You have a wife?!" Haytham and Connor burst out laughing again as Altaïr tried to talk over them.

"Oh I give up," he said, slumping back in the chair.

**The Minstrel Strikes Again**

Ezio and Malik were once again strolling through the streets of Florence, taking in all the sights and sounds. Ezio was actually being nice( by being nice, we mean thinking about others than himself) and giving Malik a tour, showing him his favorite locations around the city. *coughbrothelscough*

"And this...is where my family was murdered," Ezio said, sweeping his arm around the courtyard.

"Oh. I'm...sorry," Malik said. _Not sure if I should be sincere or if he's just making a joke, _Malik thought, trying to read Ezio's facial expressions. _Yup, I should be sincere. _Malik patted him on the back, when the familiar music could be heard behind them. Ezio looked over his shoulder, and his eyes went wide.

"_Merda _RUN!" Ezio yelled, and began sprinting away as fast as he could.

"What? Ezio! Wait!" Malik began running, but the minstrel jumped in front of him.

_"This man has only one_ arm.."

"Get away!" Malik yelled, and tried to run in the other direction, but there was another minstrel.

_"He cannot do us no harm..."_

Malik turned to run but there was another minstrel in front of him. He looked around, and saw he was surrounded by minstrels, and they were all singing.

_"He is weak and helpless and needs help to eat breakfast  
The girls don't give him a chance..."_

Malik fell to the ground, trying to crawl away from them, "EZIO HELP ME!" he screamed, but the Italian was long gone.

_"Look how he tries to run but can't!  
He's the man with one arm that no one wants!"_

The minstrels began closing in on him, "EZZZIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Ezio watched from a rooftop with La Volpe. The man looked at him, "He had no chance," Ezio said, shaking his head, "He was so young!"

"You're acting like he died," La Volpe said, crossing his arms.

"HE DID!" Ezio wailed, "DEATH BY MINSTRELS!"

**Here Comes The Boat**

Desmond continued to run through the town, shoving people out of the way and getting shoved in the process, "Shit do these guys ever give up?" he asked, panting.

"GET THE ASSASSIN!"

Desmond looked around, and saw the harbor. He groaned, "I can't believe I'm doing this," he muttered, and jumped into the harbor. The guards stopped at the dock, looking down at the water.

"You get him."

"No you."

"RandomsentenceinArabicaboutnotjumpinginthewater." 

Desmond watched as the guards just stared at him, and he began laughing, "HAHAHAHAHA! You can't get me! You guys can't swim! BOOYAH! WHO DA MAN NOW YA PRICKS?" Desmond yelled, fist pumping. The guards began shouting insults at him, waving their firsts in the air. Desmond began pointing at them, "OOOO WHADDA YA GONNA DO NOW? I'M POINTING AT YOU!" he yelled, waving his finger around.

The guards began jumping up and down, waving their arms and pointing, "GET OUT OF THE WATER!"

"YOU NEED TO MOVE!"

"RANDOMSENTENCEINARABICABOUTMOVING!"

Desmond frowned, "What in th..." A giant shadow loomed over him, and he looked up, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed, as the boat moved towards him. He began swimming out of the way, but the current was pulling him back towards the boat, "NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONAHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Desmond's shirt got hooked on the boat and it began dragging him towards the dock, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

BAM!

The guards flinched, and looked over the dock. Desmond face planted against the dock. The guards looked at each other, not saying anything, then one of them spoke.

"Let's take a break. He'll still be here when we get back," The others nodded, and walked away from the dock, leaving Desmond to pull himself out of the harbor and onto the dock. He looked around, and groaned.

"OOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCHHHHHH!"


	13. Chapter 13

**Dr. Altaïr,Part Two  
**

Altaïr was FINALLY untied, and was sitting comfortably in a different chair, and staring at Connor and Haytham. After they had finished their laughing fot (Altaïr still didn't know why him having a wife was funny), they started yelling at each other and finally Altaïr had enough. He yelled, broke free from the chair and punched both of them in the face, knocking them down on the ground.

That is how Altaïr made them agree to counseling.

He was no doctor, but since Maria used to be a Templar he could help them understand that yes, the two sides can get along, however some choose not to.

Altaïr looked at Connor, "Now, why don't you tell me what you have against your father?" he asked, and Connor glanced at Haytham.

"He's not even worthy to be called my father," Connor said, "He wasn't there then when I was child. He only recently showed up. He even forgets my birthday!"

"I do not!" Haytham protested, but Altaïr shot him a look and he fell quiet.

"And he keeps forgetting that I don't like whole grain yet he keeps buying!" Connor exclaimed.

"Connor I'm just looking out for your health," Haytham said, "You can't always eat white bread. And... well, I didn't want to say this, but...you're getting a bit...pudgy," Connor looked at him, his eyes wide.

"SEE WHAT I MEAN?! HE JUST CALLED ME FAT!"

Altaïr sighed, and leaned back in his chair. He looked at Haytham, "And what do you have against Connor?" he asked. The man sighed.

"I'm trying my best to be the father that I wasn't when he was a child, but...he won't let me. He keeps pushing me away! I just want to make sure he doesn't hurt himself!" Haytham explained, and Connor snorted.

"I'm an Assassin I can look out for myself," he retorted, crossing his arms.

"You forget to put your weapons away all the time! I almost fell on your tomahawk" Haytham exclaimed.

"Like that would be a bad thing," Connor muttered, turning away from him. Altaïr counted to ten in his head.

This was going to be a long process.

**Malik's Minstrel Revenge**

"Uh, Ezio? Where's Malik?" Leonardo asked, as he cleaned his brushes. The Italian was stretched out on the couch, his eyes shut, "Ezio?"

"Oh. He...uh...fell to the minstrels," Ezio answered, and Leonardo raised his eyebrows.

"You're acting like he died."

"He might as well have," Ezio said, sighing, "Those minstrels can..." He stopped, and heard distant strumming, "What...no..." He jumped up and looked out the window, _"MERDA! _LEONARDO HIDE ME!" he yelled, and the door burst open.

Malik stood there, an angry look on his face, and a group of minstrels behind him. Leonardo looked at Ezio, then at Malik, "Uh..."

"THERE HE IS!" Malik yelled, pointing at Ezio, "GET HIM!" The minstrels stormed in the studio, singing about Ezio and how he was no longer a lady's man. Ezio screamed as they swarmed him and carried him out of the studio, singing.

Leonardo looked at Malik, who took Ezio's spot on the couch, and shut his eyes. Leonardo opened his mouth to say something, but then decided against it, and went back to cleaning his brushes.

**Shovers and Beggars**

Desmond trudged through the streets, grumbling about boats. _I guess that might be why Altaïr doesn't like water,_ he thought, as he continued walking through the streets when-

"Please sir have any money?"

Desmond stopped, and looked at the woman who was in front of him, "My family's sick and dying," she said, and he began walking away, but she followed him, "No don't leave please!" Desmond gently pushed her away, but she came back, "No you don't understand! I have nothing!" Desmond spun around and looked at her.

"Listen lady, I don't have any money, and I've had one hell of a day. I got chased by guards and ran over by a boat so GO AWAY!" he yelled, shoving her into a stand that collapsed, killing her and the owner. Desmond quickly walked away, as he heard the guards.

"What happened here?"

"Who had done this?"

He stopped when he came to an alley, and breathed out. He began walking down the alley, while unknowing to him, a figure loomed in the shadows, and began approaching him.

Desmond began humming to himself, when he was pushed forward and into a wall. Desmond spun around and saw the man, his hands hunched up like a t-rex, mumbling to himself, "Hmm, I must have tripped," he said, and continued walking.

"HEY!"

He was shoved again into another wall, and looked around. The same guy was there, still doing the same thing. Desmond brushed himself off and walked over to him, "Listen here buddy, I've had one hell of a..."

SHOVE!

The man shoved him again, this time into another person, who began protesting, "Watch where you're going!" Desmond turned around.

"NO YOU!" he yelled, and shoved the man into another market stand, then turned to the shoving man, "Come here you son of a..."

"WHERE IS THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?!"

Desmond grabbed the shoving man, and threw him into the guard, "I'M HERE! I'M RIGHT HERE I'M RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU ARE YOU BLIND OR SOMETHING?!" he screamed, causing everyone around him to jump. The guard turned around, "COME AT ME BRAH!" Desmond yelled, pointing at the guard.

* * *

_Oh poor, poor Desmond..._


	14. Chapter 14

_And now for something EXTRA special...as unfortunately the end is nigh...but fear not, my fellow readers, you will be in for a treat..._

* * *

**Dr. Altaïr, Part Three**

Altaïr was tired.

He was tired of being thrown around time periods and of dealing with Connor and Haytham.

They still hadn't said anything nice to each other, just glaring, so Altaïr had decided to take a walk and leave them to it.

He strolled through the forest, confused by all the white stuff that was around and why it was cold. He also found it strange that it disappeared when he tried to touch it. It was some type of magic stuff, but anyways, back to the important matter at hand...

How was he going to get Connor and Haytham to admit they cared and loved each other?

For one, they were very stubborn (something that was obviously inherited from Ezio, not him) and it seemed almost impossible to reason with them. Altaïr sighed, and turned back to...

Hmm...which way did he come?

Altaïr frowned, and looked around, trying to figure this out. He was the Great Altaïr! He never got lost! (Well...except for this one time...but Maria wasn't clear on the directions so technically it was HER fault!) Altaïr looked around, and saw a flash of black out of the corner of his eyes. He spun around, "Hello?" he called but there was no answer. He began walking slowly through the trees, hearing his footsteps crunch in the snow. He stopped, because he felt someone-or something-was watching him.

Slowly, oh so slowly, Altaïr turned around, and screamed.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

_ACACACACACACACACACACACAC_

"Did you hear that?" Connor asked, and he and Haytham fell silent, listening. They heard the scream again.

"AHHHHHHHHHH WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"That's Altaïr!" Haytham said, "We need to save him, but..." They looked down at the rope.

"Wait I know what to do!" Connor exclaimed, and began wiggling his body and arms. Haytham simply watched, not sure what his son was doing. After a few minutes, Connor was free and he untied his father, and the two took off running into the forest, looking for Altaïr.

"ALTAÏR!" Haytham yelled, holding his lantern up and looked around. Connor used his eagle vision, but the Syrian was nowhere to be seen. They heard a noise behind them, and they looked at each other, "Did you hear that?"

"Uh huh," They slowly turned around, and Haytham lifted up his lantern. They both screamed.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

**Anger Issues**

Malik heard the door slam open, and he opened one eye. Ezio stood over him, glaring at him, "Hello Ezio. Ho..."

"Don't you 'how are you' me mister!" Ezio yelled, pointing his finger at him, "I was chased through all of Firenze by those damn minstrels, and I finally had to jump in a hay bale to lose them! Now my hair is ruined!" he yelled, pointing at his hair. Malik got up, and looked at him.

"Well, now you know how I felt when you left me to the minstrels," he said, "We're even now."

"Not even close! You only had a few, I had ALL OF THE MINSTRELS AFTER ME!"

"WELL TOO FRICKIN' BAD EZIO! AT LEAST YOU HAVE BOTH ARMS!"

"DON'T EVEN TRY AND MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY ABOUT YOU ONLY HAVING ONE ARM! IT'S NO..."

They heard movement at the back of Leonardo's small studio, and stopped yelling, "Did you hear that?" Ezio asked, completely forgetting his rage against Malik. The one armed Syrian nodded, and they slowly walked towards the back of the studio, Ezio hiding behind Malik. Malik grabbed a nearby candle and held it up.

"I don't see anything," he said, looking around the darkness, "Maybe it was..."

"AHHHHHHHH!" Ezio screamed, grabbing Malik's one arm. Malik spun around.

"Whaa.." He saw what Ezio was screaming at, "OH MY ALLAH! WHAT THE HELL IS THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH?!"

**No Love for Desmond**

After Desmond had fought the guards, scared a few of the beggars and pushing guys, hide in a hay bale, hide with a group of monks, changed into his not so obvious clothes, and avoided a couple of Templars, he finally made his way back to Masyaf. Maria was waiting for him, "Desmond thank goodness! I thought that th..." She stopped when she saw the look on his face, "Is everything ok?" she asked, as he walked by her. He spun around.

"Yeah everything's great! I just got chased by guards, crushed by a boat, followed by a beggar, shoved by the shoving guards, fought off more guards, tore one of my shoelaces, got sand and hay in my hair, and lost one of my shoes! I feel frickin' amazing!" he exclaimed, and Maria took a step back.

"You seem stressed."

"I WONDER WHY! IT'S NOT LIKE I'VE HAD THE WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE! I THOUGHT BEING ABDUCTED BY ABSTERGO WAS BAD BUT OH NO! THINGS CAN GET WORSE! LIKE YOU CAN BE TRANSPORTED THROUGH TIME OR HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR ANCESTORS WHO ARE ALL A BUNCH OF WHACKJOBS! ALTAÏR IS A PSYCHOPATH BECAUSE OF THE CRAZY PEOPLE IN THAT TOWN, MALIK HAS ONLY ONE ARM LIKE HOW CAN YOU BE AN ASSASSIN WITH ONE ARM?! EZIO IS A MAN WHORE AND CONNOR IS... WELL CONNOR!" Maria let him vent all his anger, unaware that there was someone behind her, "AND NOW THERE'S A VERY TALL MAN BEHIND YOU WHO HAS NO FACE!" Maria frowned, and Desmond stopped yelling, "Wait, wha..." His eyes went wide, and he began screaming, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHAT THE HELL?! NONONONONONONONONONONONON THIS DAY CAN'T GET ANY WORSE THAT WHAT IT IS!"

* * *

_Dun Dun DUNNNNNNN! What has happened to our...er...lovely group of Assassins and Haytham? Why are they screaming? Has Rebecca finally fixed the Animus? WE SHALL SEEE!_


	15. Chapter 15

**The Woods**

Desmond opened his eyes, and looked around. He was standing in a dark forest, holding a flashlight in his hand, "Uh...Rebecca?" he asked, looking around, "Where am I now?"

_"Desmond I have no idea. I had the Animus fixed, but when I tried to bring you back here it glitched again. I'm really sorry!"_

Desmond looked around, his heart starting to race. He heard footsteps behind him, and he spun around, shining the flashlight at whoever it was.

"DAMN DESMOND! GET THAT THING OUTTA MY FACE!"

Desmond lowered the flashlight and saw Altaïr, Connor and Haytham, "Boy am I glad to see you guys," Desmond said, smiling.

"Do you have any idea where we are?" Connor asked, looking around. Desmond noticed that he was clinging to Haytham's arm, "I'm scared," Altaïr glanced at him.

"You really are my descendant?" he asked in disbelief, "Honestly and you shoot people in the throat with your bow," Connor muttered something about being in daylight, and Haytham simply patted him on the shoulder. Desmond looked around, and they saw two figures moving towards them.

"Who's that?" Connor whispered, hiding behind his dad. Desmond squinted.

"It's just Malik and Ezio," he said, and as soon as Ezio saw them all, he began jumping with joy.

"FINALLY!" he yelled, running over and pulling Desmond and Altaïr into a group hug, "WE ARE ALL REUNITED!" He saw Haytham, "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Haytham Kenway and I'm Connor's father," Haytham answered, and Ezio looked at Connor.

"Seriously?" Connor nodded, and Ezio shrugged, "Oh well. So Desmond, where are we?" he asked, looking around the dark woods. Desmond shrugged.

"I honestly have no ide...wait...how did we all end up here at the same time?" Desmond asked, "We were all in different time periods," Desmond looked at Altaïr, "By the way, I now understand why you ran from those poor people on the street, I hate the pushing guys, I hate those stupid guards, I hate the boats and I hate the heat! Masyaf sucked!" he yelled, and Altaïr's eyes went wide.

"Take that back!" he yelled, "At least you didn't have to listen to those two bicker all day!" He pointed his finger at Haytham and Connor, "They argued over stupid things like bread!"

"Hey at least you weren't stuck in Florence by yourself!" Connor shot at him, stepping out from behind Haytham, "I had to push all the girls away from me because they wouldn't leave me alone!"

"YOU!" Ezio yelled, walking over to Connor, "You're the reason why all the girls kept slapping me, and also why HE kept calling me a novice!" He pointed at Malik, "I ought to slap you as many times as they did to me!"

"At least you didn't have to fight off minstrels with ONLY ONE ARM ALTAÏR!" Malik yelled, glaring at Altaïr.

"Oh don't you bring that up again," Altaïr snapped, forgetting about his argument with Desmond.

"THAT'S ALL HE WOULD SAY! ONE ARM THIS AND ONE ARM THAT IT DROVE ME NUTS!" Ezio yelled, pulling at his hair, "I SHOULD HAVE ACTUALLY LET THE MINSTRELS KILL YOU THEN ALL OUR WORRIES WOULD BE OVER!"

Soon everyone except Haytham were fighthing and yelling about whose experience was worse. Haytham felt out of place, and he honestly didn't know how to react. He just watched them, when he heard a noise behind him.

"EVERYONE SHUT UP!" he managed to scream over the group, and they all fell silent, "I heard something. Behind me," Desmond walked over, and shone his flashlight in that direction. There was nothing but trees.

"I don't see anything," Desmond said, looking around.

"But I heard a noise," Haytham insisted, looking over his shoulder. Desmond frowned.

"There's nothing there," he said, and turned around. His eyes went wide and began screaming.

"SHIT RUN!" he screamed, and took off into the woods, leaving the others behind. They were confused. Ezio shrugged.

"What scared him so..." He saw what scared Desmond, and took off running, leaving a trail of Italian swear words behind. The others saw it as well, and sure enough all hell broke loose.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!"

"GET IT AWAY FROM US!"

"IT'S GONNA KILL US!"

"DADDY HELP ME!"

They all took off running into the woods, trying to find Desmond and Ezio, but mainly Desmond because he had the only flashlight.

_ACACACACACACACACACAC_

After a few minutes of running, they stopped, breathing heavily, "I think we lost it," Malik said, looking over his shoulder. Altaïr looked around.

"What is that thing? Why does it keep following us?" he asked, "And where is Desmond? You can't see anything?" Connor looked around as well, and saw a light in the distance.

"Hey I think that's a house," he said, pointing, and the three turned around, "It is a house! Maybe there's someone inside who can help us!" They all nodded, and began walking towards the house, the only sound their footsteps.

"I hope Desmond and Ezio are ok," Connor said, as they walked through a gate and looked at the house.

"Let's just get inside," Malik said, shivering, "This place is starting to freak me out," They walked towards the house, unaware that the tall, slender man was watching them from the woods, waiting.

**To Be Continued...**

* * *

_And we have reached the end! But do not fear my fellow readers there is a sequel! Yes a sequel! The sequel in which we will find out what will happen to our dear Assassins, and Haytham, as they try and figure out where they are and how to escape!_

_Stay tuned!_


End file.
